Turd of the Century

Good evening!

I would like to begin with some of my wonderful winnings! Two days in a row, TWICE IN A DAY! TWICE! Celllllllllebrate good times, COME ON!!! I know someone out there is proud. Oh, and there was a sunflower seed lodged in one of the batches. I've been eating lots of trail mix these days. Dropping some major nuts bombs on my salads. It has all kinds of nuts, raisins, dried cranberries, sunflower seeds, and other seeds, which could be pumpkin, but I'm too lazy to get up and check. Listen, I just eat the stuff. Okay, I'll go check......they are raw pepitas? I'm not going to lie, I have no clue, sounds very south of the border. As long as it's not from China, it's all goood!

These are them, PEPITAS!!!

Everybody dance!
Internetcomputertron says,

•   Pepitas are pumpkin seeds. Sometimes the word refers to the inside kernel of the pumpkin seed but can also be the entire un-hulled seed. Pepitas are popular in Mexico and they are typically toasted and eaten as a snack. They are also the key ingredient in "pipian" a type of mole [moh-LAY].                    

And, I pretty much nailed it folks! So many tacos, and we forget about the Pepitas...

DATE: 1/20/2011
POO RATING: 11! Like a bear!



 

I need Fiber like the deserts miss the rain.: Just a minute Cobra Comandor, I'm on the telephone...

I need Fiber like the deserts miss the rain.: Just a minute Cobra Comandor, I'm on the telephone...: "(YELLING)CALL THE TERMINATOR!! I GOT SCORPIONS IN MY TOILET!!!! Si mami! (whispering) Scorpions. I went 3 times today! The first tim..."

Just a minute Cobra Comandor, I'm on the telephone.

(YELLING)CALL THE TERMINATOR!! I GOT SCORPIONS IN MY TOILET!!!!

 Si mami! (whispering) Scorpions. I went 3 times today! The first time was really great. The second time, not so much, but still pretty great. And the third time, I did a complete double dragon turn back at my bowl, and staring back at me was no other than the SCORPION HIMSELF!!! I turned to him, he turned to me, and I asked, "You wanna do this SCO? You really wanna do this?!" And he's like, "Heck yeah I do!" "MOOORRRRRTTTAAAAAALLLLLLL CCCCCOOOMMMBBBAAAATTTTHHHHRRRROOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!! (music kicks in)

So what I'm really trying to say is that, it looked like a scorpion's tail...really.


DATE: 1/11/11 (o0o0o0o0o what does it all mean?)


POO Rating: AWESOME! CAUSE IT LOOKED JUST LIKE THE TAIL OF A SCORPION!!! KA KA KA KO KO

UNBEPOOPABLE! (day 5)

You won't believe what I just found out! Ladies and men children, I'm embarrassed to say that I do NOT have I.B.S! No sir! I'm just plain olde CONSTIPATED! Yeah that's right, just constipated. I thought I was in with the cool kids, a group I belonged to. But this is a tale that even John Hughes(RIP) didn't see coming. I myself, am my own turd. Metaphorically and literally.

I was over my sister's place, and she asked me, "Lizzie, I've been reading your blog. Do you really have I.B.S.?", and I was like, "Yeah, jealous! Don't you remember when I was little, and cheese was my enemy?" Then she goes on to tell me that I.B.S, is for people who can't stop their bowels from a boomin', and the bathroom might as well be their workspace. UNBEPOOPABLE! The direct opposite of what's happening to me! In return I ask her, "So, I'm just constipated then?! That's it?", and she's like, "Well yeah, duh!"  This is when I went ape S!#@, figuratively.

I violently raced to the computer to change everything I already had said, but something came over me like....doesn't matter, what matters is that you matter. I want everyone to see it all. No secrets and lies here in this blog, just pure truths! So I left it.

I ask you to please laugh with me, and not too much at me. Thank you.

DATE 1/8/2011-  I went, but I really didn't get a good look.
POO RATING- 2.7

Gas prices are high. Yup, gas. (day 3/4)

So, I wasn't able to write a post yesterday, do to some painful gas issues. It was a fine working day, and I ate very well, you would have been proud. Everything was great, I even took a lil' doodle. It was the most pathetic turd ever. Rating: a small woodland creature. With that in hand, my day surely took a turd for the worst.

I was so bloated, and so gassed up, I could barely move around. I was thinking to myself, anymore gas and I'm going to burst right through my ceiling, and blast into the sky. The townspeople would yell, "Hey! Is that the ghost of Christmas past?!", "No! That's just that fool Liz from down the street!"

Remember that movie, where the man and some kids had to construct a hot air balloon to escape for Nazi Germany?! Well I was there on set, filling it up!

I hope one day to help all with my gas. I just wanna fart.

Things are a-movin'! (day 2)

 Tis the evening hour, and I'm glad to say that I went today! Woo-Hoo, to it's one time splendor! How did it happen? Well, my usual morning. I quickly ran outta my apartment on my way out to work, with a very large bag from Outback Steakhouse. Filled with leftovers from the night before. I couldn't resist round two of that blooming onion!

 At work, my body aching for some coffee, coffee, coffee, coFfEE, COFFFFEEEEEE!!!!! I instead said to myself, "Don't do it kid...reach for the stars, and take your probiotics first, wait to do number#1, then you can have some coffee!" And that's what I did. It was really hard. That's what she said. But it really was.

 So for lunch, I ate the rest of my steak, my mac n' cheese (YES! they have it at Outback!), and that onion thing, awesome blossom/ blooming onion, whatever, and an apple. Not good! Not good at all! I'm embarrassed quite frankly, but I went.

I need to go food shopping...and stop eating crap n'cheese!

I'm Stuck (day one)

Hello Everybody!

So this is my first day on this thing. I'm the new kid on the "blog block", which actually sounds like a blogging site (don't take it, ahaha). Anyway, I am writing this blog to inform people about Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I.B.S. not to be confused with I.B.M, or B.I.G., or AARP. If your just too lazy to look that up, I'll give you the skinny on the know it the simplest of forms...I'M STUCK! I can't "go" like everyone else can "go". I'm constipated half the week. Sometimes I "go", sometimes I don't "go". Some people even say that I'd be great to take a long trips. But I.B.S. can be different for everyone how may indeed have it. There's the poopson, I mean person who may "go" too much, and then there's the person who's bowels may never see the light of days, even weeks at a time. Then there those that tend to have stress, depression, and anxiety do to not "dooing"! Isn't this just sad and terrible to hear?  Bowels are not the only thing being clogged, so are our emotions. So what's the solution? Pills that make your liver slide out of you body, crosses the border to Mexico never to be seen again? NO, NO, NO! Let's do it the natural way. I invite you to accompany me on the journey of a lifetime, filled with flax seeds, yogurts, and prunes, to see how far I will go to GET REGULATED!!!!!!